It Never Happened
by loveretriever
Summary: Completely AU silly crack!fic. So, implied Snape/Regulus but not really unless you squint (I don't do slash, it happened by accident). Orion Black-centric. Rated for safety - written for a prompt


I don't think this makes any sense... so WARNING: UNEDITED! will come back to it at some point...maybe..

Written for a prompt: Write a story where a character is protecting themselves.

Yes, I know I turned it silly. Sorta...anyway, if you don't like, go write your own! :)

Word count: 2173

* * *

Orion Black was a man of intelligence. He had been raised to believe that intellect was the greatest gift to man.

However, over the years, tradition and family ties had knocked some illogical sense into Orion's brain.

The important of blood purity spread like poison as the years ticked by and more and more Muggles were let into the magical world.

Orion Black went so far as to marry his second cousin, Walburga, in order to preserve the family tradition of pure-bloods only.

Orion Black was smart enough to know that today, even in the 1950s, no one was purely pure. However, he ignored that sensible side of his brain and, in the name of the Black family, declared himself and his ancestors to be the purest of the pure. It also helped that the Blacks were one of the wealthiest families this side of the Atlantic.

Walburga seconded Orion's opinion, and that sealed their marriage. Unlike other pure-bloods, Orion was not engaged to Walburga through a prearranged marriage. Instead, he had chosen Walburga and she had accepted him.

Love, one of the few things unaffected by intelligence, reigned over Orion and Walburga. Happily married at twenty-five, Orion was a father by thirty.

However, bliss and happiness were not to last for long. No, their son had to have a crack in his genetic makeup. Sirius Black, proud son of Orion and Walburga, was a bloody blood-traitor. It would take five more years for Orion and Walburga to see their youngest son, Regulus Black, was a blood purist.

But nothing could cure the heartache that Orion felt. His oldest son - lost. Forever lost to him.

When Sirius turned sixteen, he vanished. He left the Black family. Walburga burnt him off the family tapestry.

It pained Orion to see his eldest son leave. It hurt him even more that his wife cast Sirius out of the family. Disowned him in a heartbeat without regret.

In Regulus' last year, rumours of war reached the Black house.

Orion could not stand the thought of losing two sons. Anxiety spread like a disease through his body. Before Reg came home, he spelled the entire house from disaster, both foreseen and unforeseen. Orion would take no chances with his youngest son. Because Regulus professed beliefs Walburga agreed with, it was easy to convince Walburga of the necessity of such measures.

Orion lied and said it would help keep out blood-traitors and their son, Sirius, who up till now could still re-enter the house.

To his horror, Walburga assented immediately, without question. So, with a heavy heart, Orion sealed up Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He made Kreacher the Secret Keeper and sealed access to the house completely. Then, he asked if Kreacher would be Executor to his will. Kreacher, again, assented and was bound by all magical contract law to the will set forth by Orion Black.

Orion then contacted his lawyers and drew up a new will, naming Sirius his heir only if Regulus and Walburga were dead. He described Kreacher as both property and Secret Keeper.

In this way, Orion sought to protect his family. It was folly and trust in blood purity that led to his downfall.

Sirius never returned to Number 12 Grimmauld Place. At least, not while Orion was alive. He never knew of his father's crushed heart.

Regulus, on the other hand, knew entirely too much about Orion's state of health.

Reg was a Death Eater and went to many meetings. He took the Mark while still in school, so he hadn't done much up until his graduation.

However, now he had graduated, Reg was rarely at home anymore. He was off tramping in the woods, watching various places for "suspicious blood-traitor activities." Really, Reg was promoting pure-blood interests, causing trouble by striking terror into the hearts of his unsuspecting victims, and overall plotting for his blood-traitor activity.

Orion was deaf to all but the Death Eaters. He watched Reg go to and from Malfoy Manor. He watched his son grow thinner and thinner. He saw his son become more and more distressed.

Eventually, Reg broke down. Kreacher had returned hurt. From what, no one could tell.

Orion made sure to be scarce, wanting to know what Reg would do. Fortunately, Walburga was out doing - well, whatever women did. Orion hadn't been paying much attention to her lately, too worried about his son.

He watched Reg fire-call several people. Finally, a face appeared. He figured it must be one of the Lestranges - only they had a young man about Reg's age in the family. The person - whoever it was - gave Reg some reference and the call ended.

Curious, Orion watched Reg Apparate and traced the spell. Spinner's End. Hmm. He grabbed an address book and flipped through it.

Several days later, Orion was still none the wiser. Had Reg gone to consult a Muggle? Hmm. No, Reg wasn't the type. New idea. Orion's mind drew a blank.

Orion then called on Kreacher and asked to hear the tale. What he heard made no sense. Something about a task for the Dark Lord, betrayal or hurt, and some new scheme the Dark Lord had concocted. All very fascinating, Orion was sure, but not what he wanted.

"No, Kreacher, I'm asking about Reg," Orion clarified, realizing Kreacher was becoming a bit delusional.

"Oh, Master, what has the boy done?" Kreacher whispered, horrified.

"Well, Kreacher, that's really what I'm trying to get out from you. Where did he take you?"

"Kreacher don't know," Kreacher replied. Orion looked mystified.

"You mean to tell me, Reg took you somewhere a few nights ago and you don't remember."

"Nooo," Kreacher responded slowly.

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, Master, Kreacher never lie to you," Kreacher bowed and scraped the ground, kissing Orion's feet.

"Argh! Get off!" Orion yelled. "Don't toy with me! Where did he take you? I want to know for his own safety."

"Master, promise you will do no harm. Promise?" Kreacher wailed miserably.

Orion sighed and sat down again. "Fine," he waved. "Fine. Stop crying."

Kreacher stopped immediately at the order. Blowing his nose in his raggedy shirt, he started his short tale.

"Master Regulus says I arrived in his room, hurt and babbling nonsense." Kreacher made a face at this description. "Master then called on a friend who told him about a Potion Man. Master Regulus take me and then bring me back. And now here I am, healed and all better."

Orion pondered these words for awhile. So Regulus took Kreacher to a healer for potions. What a scoundrel! He laughed and clapped Kreacher, who was busily trying to signal to him, on the back.

"Oh, Kreacher, you made me so worried. For a second I thought my son was a blood-traitor." Orion continued to laugh, a big "Ha! Ha!" sound.

Regulus, on the stairs above, paled and turned around immediately, retreating to his room and hoping his father was none the wiser.

Orion had no idea that Regulus had heard him. "Ah, Kreacher, come with me. We have things to do."

"Yes, Master," Kreacher bowed, afraid of Regulus' wrath later.

Regulus traded blows with Kreacher later over the house-elf's betrayal.

"But, Master Regulus, I cannot disobey the Master. Master Orion is the highest master. Until you are master of the house, I cannot go against Master Orion's orders."

Regulus sighed and kicked a conveniently placed box. "Very well," he said, sitting down. "Kreacher, I forgive you."

"Yes, Master."

"But, I still can't believe you betrayed me. I must do something about father. He's getting irritating."

Kreacher paled, unsure of what Regulus meant.

"I think a nice sleeping draught should do the trick."

"No, Master Regulus. You must not do that!"

"And why not?"

"Umph! Ugh! Afdjlgk!" Kreacher squeaked. "Urgh! Fine, I can't tell you. The Master swore me to secrecy. But you mustn't do this! It's an awful plan!"

Regulus smirked. "Since you can't tell me, it must be the perfect plan. And I know just the man."

"Severus Snape, I need a favour." Regulus thumped on the door.

"I am not good at dispensing favours," the low, sumptuous, sexy as chocolate voice drifted through the door.

"I can easily barge in here and take advantage of you," Regulus replied, meaning his words in all the ways he spoke them.

Snape hesitated for a second before saying, "Need I remind you that I asked for no repayment."

"But you got one, didn't you?" Regulus questioned, pressing further against the unyielding door.

Snape smirked. "Tch. If that's what you want to call it." Regulus paused.

"Then what was it?" he asked. "What do you think?"

"Fair's fair. What do I have to do this time?"

"Stop avoiding the question!"

"Stop asking them." The voice was cold this time, as if a great big glass wall had enclosed Snape and cut him off from humanity.

Regulus sighed and gave up. "I need the potion for my Da so I can go on my big adventure to do the You Know What at the You Know Where."

"Your code names are ridiculous," Snape criticized.

"I KNOW! Just tell me, are you gonna goddamn help me or not?" Regulus yelled.

"Temper, temper," Severus teased, enjoying this game. "I will only help you if you answer this question. Why do you adore Sirius?"

"What do you have against my brother?"

"Answer the question."

"Fine. He's a hero to me because he's always been there for me, no matter what. He helped me when I was little to overcome some bullies. I've always been smaller than him. Besides, he's the daredevil. I always wanted to be the daredevil."

"Ah. I see." Snape's voice remained icy, but his tone changed to one of pity and empathy rather than derision.

"May I come in now? Please?" Regulus begged. He promptly fell through the door. Another of Snape's nasty tricks.

"Yes, you may. I am appeased. Now, what can I do for you?"

Regulus hit Snape in the face. Snape retaliated by hitting Regulus with a nasty jinx. Spells flew across the room until finally, Snape called a truce.

"Truce! Alright, then. Let's have it. Your order?"

"Sleeping draught for my Da."

"Size?"

"Size?" Regulus asked, confused.

"Of the bottle," Snape said impatiently.

"Oh, that. Medium? I think?" Regulus was unsure.

"Hmm," Snape said, under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said, 'You should've known before you asked.'"

"Coward."

"What did you call me?" Snape narrowed his eyes. Was it Regulus' imagination, or was it actually colder in the room.

"Want me to say it again?" Regulus snarled.

"I dare you," Snape hissed, raising his wand.

Regulus reconsidered.

"I thought so," Snape smiled in triumph. "Now, medium bottle. What type of dose?"

"For a tall man?" Regulus thought it out.

"Good. Here you go. Good bye." Snape placed a bottle in Regulus' hand before pushing the younger boy out the door.

"Wha-!" Reg yelped. "Hey! That's it?"

"Good day," Snape sniffed, slamming his door in Regulus' face.

"Geez! Snippy, snippy. Somebody's got a temper today," Regulus huffed before returning home.

"Wanna say that again?" Snape asked, opening his door. Instead of Regulus, a bunch of girls selling girl scout cookies approached him.

"Oh no! It's a teenage mob!" Snape thought, panicking. "Close the door! Close the door! NOOOOO!"

Regulus arrived home without the knowledge of Snape's impending doom. Merrily humming, he fantasized about how to present his father with the sleeping draught. After several scenarios, he finally determined he'd put it in his father's afternoon tea.

"Kreacher," Regulus said, "has father had his tea yet?"

"No, Master, I am just about to bring it to him."

"Good," Regulus said surprised. "Now, Kreacher, I have some things that need to be ironed. Please?"

"Very well, but I hope it won't take too long. Master is waiting."

"Don't worry, I'll take tea up."

"Thank you, Master Regulus. You are very kind."

"Don't mention it," Regulus said, offhandedly.

Regulus took the time to administer the sleeping draught to the drink on the tray and then carried said tray over to Orion.

"Hullo Reg," Orion said.

"Hullo, Da."

"I thought Kreacher would come."

"Sorry, Da, he's busy ironing."

"Oh, I see," Orion said, not getting the point at all. "Would you care to join me?"

"No thanks, Da, I have some letters to write."

"Oh," Orion's face fell. "Well, never mind. Carry on, carry on."

"Yes, Da." Regulus passed out of the room.

It was later that night, against all odds, that Orion, who had protected his house and his son from the Dark Arts, passed away.

Who knew Orion was fatally allergic to flobberworm mucus?


End file.
